


A Midsummer's Night Dreambubble

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare
Genre: F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-11 20:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2081709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>OH BOI HOMESTUCK AND SHAKESPEARE<br/>I'm not good at these so I'll just have the cast here:<br/>Theseus- Gamzee<br/>Hippolyta- Terezi<br/>Egeus- Sollux<br/>Hermia- Feferi<br/>Lysander- Tavros<br/>Demetrius- Eridan<br/>Helena- Nepeta<br/>Oberon- Equius<br/>Titania- Aradia<br/>Puck- Vriska<br/>Peter Quince- Jake<br/>Bottom- Dave<br/>Flute- Jade<br/>Starveling- Rose<br/>Snout- John<br/>Snug- Dirk<br/>Philostrate- Kanaya<br/>Peaseblossom- Latula<br/>Cobweb- Mituna<br/>Moth- Kankri<br/>Mustardseed- Meulin<br/>Updates whenever I feel like it</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1 Scene 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Midsummer's Night Dream](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/65895) by William Shakespeare. 



> I'm not doing quirks as to not confuse myself so yeah enjoy this dump on classic literature. (I used the modern translation as the base because old english is a son of a bitch to translate into homestuck)  
> Also instead of Athens it's Alternens 3833

Enter GAMZEE, TEREZI, and KANAYA

GAMZEE  
Our wedding day is almost here, my beautiful Terezi. We'll be getting married in four days, on the day of the new moon. But it seems to me that the days are passing too slowly—the old moon is taking too long to fade away! That old, slow moon is keeping me from getting what I want, just like an old widow makes her stepson wait to get his inheritance. Stupid motherfuckin Moons.

TEREZI  
Nah, you’ll see, four days will quickly turn into four nights. And since we dream at night, time passes quickly then. Finally the new moon, curved like a silver bow in the sky, will look down on our wedding celebration.

GAMZEE  
Go, Kanaya, get the young people of Alternens ready to celebrate and have a hella rad time. Sadness is only appropriate for funerals. We don’t want none of it at our festivities.

KANAYA exits

Terezi, I wooed you with violence, using my clubs, and got you to fall in love with me by injuring you. But I’ll marry you under different circumstances—with extravagant festivals, public festivities, and giant-ass party.

SOLLUX enters with his daughter FEFERI, and TAVROS and ERIDAN.

SOLLUX  
Long live Gamzee, our famous and respected duke!

GAMZEE  
Thanks, good Sollux. What’s up with you?

SOLLUX  
I’m here, pretty damn pissed, to complain about my daughter Feferi.—Step forward, Eridan.—My lord, this man, Eridan has my permission to marry her.—Step forward, Tavros. —But this other man, Tavros, has cast a magic spell over my child’s bloodpusher.—You, you, Tavros, you’ve given her poems, and exchanged tokens of love with my daughter. You’ve pretended to be flushed her, singing fake love songs softly at her window by moonlight, and you’ve captured her imagination by giving her locks of your hair, rings, toys, trinkets, knickknacks, little presents, flowers, and candies—things that can really influence an impressionable young troll. You’ve connived to steal my daughter’s bloodpusher, making her stubborn and harsh instead of obedient (like she should be).—And, my gracious duke, if she won’t agree to marry Eridan right now, I ask you to let me exercise the right that all fathers have in Alternens. Since she belongs to me, I can do what I want with her—as the law says: I can either make her marry Eridan—or have her culled.

GAMZEE  
What do you have to say for yourself, Feferi? Think carefully, pretty girl. You should think of your father as a gog, since he’s the one who gave you your beauty. To him, you’re like a figure that he’s sculpted out of wax, and he has the power to keep that figure intact or to disfigure it. Eridan is an admirable man.

FEFERI  
So is Tavros.

GAMZEE  
You’re right, Tavbro’s admirable too. But since your father doesn’t want him to marry you, you have to suck it up consider Eridan to be the better man.

FEFERI  
I wish my father would sea them as I do.

GAMZEE  
Sorry, but you gotta see them as your father does.

FEFERI  
Your grace, please forgive me. I don’t know what makes me think I can say this, and I don’t know if speaking my mind to such a powerful and noble person as yourself will damage my reputation for modesty. But please, tell me the worst thing that could happen to me if I refuse to marry Eridan.

GAMZEE  
You’ll either be culled or you’ll never see another man again. So think carefully about what you want, beautiful Feferi. Consider how young you are, and question your feelings. Then decide whether you could stand to be a nun, wearing a priestess’s habit and caged up in a cloister forever, living your entire life without a Matesprit or wrigglers, weakly chanting hymns to the cold and goddess of the moon. People who can restrain their passions and stay alone forever are holy. But although a lonely little priestess might be rewarded in the dream bubbles, a married troll is happier on Alternia. A married sis is like a rose who is picked and made into a beautiful perfume, while a priestess just withers away on the stem.

FEFERI  
I’d rather wither away than give up my bloodpusher to someone I don’t love.

GAMZEE  
Aw, that's motherfucking sweet. Take some time to think about this. By the time of the next new moon—the day when Terezi and I will be married—be ready either to be culled for disobeying your father, to marry Eridan as your father wishes, or to take a vow to spend the rest of your life as a lonely priestess of the moon goddess.

ERIDAN  
Please give in, sweet Feferi.—And Tavros, stop acting like she’s yours. I’ve got more of a right to her than you do. Nyeh.

TAVROS  
uhh...Her father loves you, Eridan. So um... why don’t you marry him and let me have Feferi?

SOLLUX  
It’s true, asshole Tavros, I do love him. That’s why I’m giving him my daughter. She’s mine, and I’m giving her to Eridan.

TAVROS  
(to SOLLUX) My lord, I’m just as noble and rich as he is. I love Feferi more than he does. My prospects are as good as his, if not better. And beautiful Feferi loves me—which is more important than all those other things I’m bragging about. Why shouldn’t I be able to marry her? Eridan—and I’ll say this to his face—courted Porrim’s daughter, Nepeta, and made her fall in love with him. That sweet lady, Nepeta, loves devoutly. She adores this horrible and unfaithful man.

GAMZEE  
I have to admit I’ve heard something about that, and meant to ask Eridan about it, but I was too busy with personal matters and I forgot.—Anyway, Eridan and Sollux, both of you, come with me. I want to say a few things to you in private.—As for you, beautiful Feferi, get ready to do what your father wants, because otherwise the law says that you must die or become a nun, and there’s nothing I can do about that, unfortunately.—Come with me, Terezi. How are you, my love?—Eridan and Sollux, come with us. I want you to do some things for our wedding, and I also want to discuss something that concerns you both.

SOLLUX  
We’re following you not only because it is our duty, but also because we want to.

They all exit except TAVROS and FEFERI.

TAVROS  
uh...What’s going on, my love? Why are you so pale? Why have your rosy cheeks faded so quickly?

FEFERI  
Probably because my cheeks' roses need rain, which I could easily give them with all the tears in my eyes.

TAVROS  
Listen, in books they say that true love always faces obstacles. Either the lovers have nearly opposite bloodcolors, as we do—

FEFERI  
Oh, what an obstacle that is! I being too high on the social ladder, and falling in love with you, who is beneath me.

TAVROS  
Or else they were very different ages—

FEFERI  
How awful! Being too old to marry someone young.

TAVROS  
Or else their guardians, advisors, or friends said no—

FEFERI  
And what hell it is, to choose love by another’s eyes!

TAVROS  
Or, even if the lovers are a good match, their love could be ruined by war, death, or sickness, so that the affair only lasts an instant. Their time together might be as fleeting as a shadow or as short as a dream, lasting only as long as it takes a lightning bolt to flash across the sky. Before you can say “look,” it’s gone. That’s how intense things like love are quickly destroyed. I wouldn't want that to happen to us.

FEFERI  
If true lovers are always thwarted, then it must be a rule of fate. So let’s try to be PATIENT as we deal with our problem. It’s as normal a part of love as dreams, sighs, wishes, and tears.

TAVROS  
That’s the right attitude. So, listen, Feferi, I have an aunt who is a widow, who’s very rich and doesn’t have any wrigglers of her own. She lives about twenty miles from Alternens, and she thinks of me as a son. I could marry you there, gentle Feferi, where the strict laws of Alternens can’t touch us. So here’s the plan. If you love me, sneak out of your father’s house tomorrow night and meet me in the forest a few miles outside of town. You remember the place—I met you there once with Nepeta to celebrate May Day.—I’ll wait for you there.

FEFERI  
Oh, Tavros! Of course I glub you!  
I swear to thee by Cupid’s strongest bow,  
By his best arrow with the golden head,  
By the simplicity of Venus' doves,  
By that which knitteth souls and prospers loves,  
And by that fire which burned the Carthage queen  
When the false Troyan under sail was seen,  
By all the vows that ever men have broke  
(In number more than ever women spoke),  
In that same place thou hast appointed me,  
Tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.

TAVROS  
I love when you speak in old Alternian couplets. Keep your promise, my love. Look, here comes Nepeta.

NEPETA enters

FEFERI  
Hello, beautiful Nepeta! Where are you going?

NEPETA  
Did mew just call me “beautiful”? Take it back. You’re the beautiful one as far as Eridan is concerned. Oh, you’re so lucky! Your eyes are like stars, and your voice is more musical than a lark’s song is to a shepherd in the springtime. Sickness is contagious—I wish beauty were contagious too! I would catch your good looks before I left. My ear would be infected by your voice, my eye by your eye, and my tongue would come down with a bad case of your melodious speech. If the world were mine, I’d give it all up—everything except Eridan—to be you. Oh, teach me how you look the way you do, and which tricks you used to make Eridan flush for you.

FEFERI  
(Someone's grumpy today!) I frown at him, but he still glubs me!

NEPETA  
Oh, if only my smiles could inspire love as effectively as your fur-owns!

FEFERI  
I curse him, but he won't leave me alone!

NEPETA  
If only my purayers could inspire that kind of affection!

FEFERI  
The more I hate him, the more he follows me around.

NEPETA  
The more I love him, the more he hates me.

FEFERI  
It’s not my fault he acts like that, Nepeta.

NEPETA  
That’s true, it’s your beauty’s fault. I wish I had a fault like that!

FEFERI  
Don’t worry. He won’t see me ever again! Tavros and I are running away from here. Before I saw Tavros, Alternens seemed like paradise to me. But Tavros's so sweet he turned heaven into hell!

TAVROS  
Nepeta, we’ll tell you about our secret plan. Tomorrow night, when the moon shines on the water and decorates the grass with tiny beads of pearly light (the time of night that always hides runaway lovers), we plan to sneak out of Alternens.

FEFERI  
(to NEPETA) In the woods where you and I used to lounge around on the pale primroses, telling each other sweet secrets—that’s where Tavros and I will meet. From then on we’ll turn our backs on Alternens. We’ll look for new friends and keep the company of strangers. Goodbye, old friend. Pray for us, and I hope you win over Eridan!—Keep your promise, Tavros. We need to stay away from each other until midnight tomorrow.

TAVROS  
I will, sweet Feferi.

FEFERI exits

Oh! uh...Goodbye, Nepeta. I hope Eridan comes to love you as much as you love him!

TAVROS exits

NEPETA  
It’s amazing how much happier some people are than others! Trolls throughout Alternens think I’m as purretty as Feffuri. But so what? Eridan doesn’t think so, and that’s all that matters. He refuses to admit what everyone else knows. But even though he’s making a mistake by obsessing over Feffuri so much, I’m also making a mistake, since I obsess over him. Love can make worthless things beautiful. When we’re in love, we don’t see with our eyes but with our minds. That’s why paintings of Cupid, the god of love, always show him as blind. And love doesn’t have good judgment either—Cupid, has wings and no eyes, so he’s destined to screw up! That’s why they say love is a wriggler, bepaws it makes such bad choices. Just as boys like to play games by telling lies, Cupid breaks his promises all the time. Before Eridan ever saw Feffuri, he showered me with promises and swore he’d be mine furever. But when he got all hot and bofurred over Feffuri, his promises melted away. I’ll go tell Eridan that Feffuri is running away tomorrow night. He’ll run after her. If he’s grateful to me for this information, it’ll be worth my pain in helping him pursue my rival Feffuri. At least I’ll get to see him when he goes, and then again when he comes back.

NEPETA exits.


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To straighten it up, Jake is just speaking the old english version because im bad at doing him and any words the fools screw up is on purpose.

Enter all FOOLS (quince, snug, bottom, flute, snout, and starveling

JAKE  
Is all our company here?

DAVE  
You should call their names generally, one person at a time, in the order their on the paper.

JAKE  
Uh... Sure. Here is the scroll of every man's name which is thought fit, through all Alternens, to play in our interlude before the duke and the duchess, on his wedding day at night.

DAVE  
First, Jake, tell us what this thing is about, read the names, then shut up.

JAKE  
All right, our play is The Very Tragic Comedy About the Horrible Deaths of Pyramus and Thisbe.

DAVE  
Let me tell you, it's a great piece of work and very- ironic.- Now, Jake, call the names of the people on the list. Guys, gather around him.

JAKE  
Answer as I call you. Dave Strider, the weaver?

DAVE  
Here. Tell me what part i am then get on with it.

JAKE  
You, Dave, are set down for Pyramus

DAVE  
Who the hell is Pyramus, a Lover or a Tyrant?

JAKE  
A lover that kills himself, most gallant, for love.

DAVE  
I’ll have to cry to make this shit believable. And as soon as I start crying, oh man, the audience had better watch out, because they’ll start crying too. I’ll make tears pour out of their eyes like rainstorms. I’ll moan very believably. But I’m really in the mood to play a tyrant. I could do a great job with Hercules, or any other part that requires ranting and raving. I would rant, rave, and rap really well. Like this, listen.  
 The raging rocks  
 and shivering shocks  
 Will break the locks  
 Of prison gates.  
 And the sun-god’s car  
 Will shine from far  
 Away, and make and mar  
 Foolish fate.  
Oh, that was some sick beats.—Now tell us who the other actors are.—By the way, my performance just now was in the style of Hercules, the tyrant style. A lover would have to be weepier, of course.

JAKE  
Alright then. Jade Harley, the bellows-mender?

JADE  
Here, Jake!

JAKE  
Jade, you must take Thisbe on you.

JADE  
Ooh! Who's Thisbe? A knight on a quest??

JAKE  
It is the lady that Pyramus must love.

JADE  
I have to pretend to love Dave? Seriously!

DAVE  
I can play both, if I have a mask. I’ll be Pyramus first: “Thisne, Thisne!”—And then in falsetto: “Ah, Pyramus, my dear lover! I’m your dear Thisbe, your dear lady!”

JAKE  
No, no. You must play Pyramus!- And Jade, you Thisbe.

DAVE.  
Fine. Go on.

JAKE  
Rose Lalonde, the tailor?

ROSE  
Here.

JAKE  
You're to play Thisbe's mother. Now, John Egbert, the tinker?

JOHN  
Here.

JAKE  
You, Pyramus's father.- Myself, Thisbe's father.- Dirk the carpenter, you, the lion's part.- And I hope here is a play fitted.

DIRK  
Damn, you got the lion's part written down yet? If you do, give it to me. It take's me a while to learn shit.

JAKE  
You can just... improvise it. It's just roaring, really.

DAVE  
Let me play the lion too. I'll roar so damn well everyone who hears it will be inspired. It'll be so good the duke will say "Let him roar again. Make him do it again!"

JAKE  
No, you should do it too terribly, you would fright the duchess and the ladies, that they would shriek. And that were enough to hang us all.

ALL  
Yeah, that'd get us all executed.

DAVE  
Well, you’ve got to admit that if you scare the living daylights out of the ladies, they’d have no choice but to execute us. But I’ll soften my voice—you know, aggravate it, so to speak—so that I’ll roar as gently as a baby dove. I’ll roar like a sweet, peaceful nightingale.

JAKE  
You can play no part but Pyramus. For Pyramus is a sweet-faced man, a proper man as one shall see in a summer’s day, a most lovely, gentlemanlike man. Therefore you must needs play Pyramus.

DAVE  
Fine, I'll do it. What type of beard should I wear?

JAKE  
whatever you want.

DAVE  
I’ll play the part wearing either a straw-colored beard, or a sandy beard, or a red beard, or one of those bright yellow beards that’s the color of a French coin.

JAKE  
Some of your French crowns have no hair at all, and then you will play barefaced.—But masters, here are your parts. And I am to entreat you, request you, and desire you to con them by tomorrow night and meet me in the palace wood, a mile without the town, by moonlight. There will we rehearse, for if we meet in the city we shall be dogged with company, and our devices known. In the meantime I will draw a bill of properties such as our play wants. I pray you, fail me not.

DAVE  
We'll be there, and we'll rehearse ironically and wonderfully, truly obscenely. Work hard, know your lines. Later.

JAKE  
At the duke's oak we meet.

DAVE  
Got it? Be there, or don't show your face again.

All exit.


	3. Act 2, scene 1

A KARKAT and VRISKA meet onstage.

VRISKA  
Heeeeeeeey! Where are you going?

KARKAT  
I go over hills and valleys, through bushes and thorns, over parks and fenced-in spaces, through water and fire. I wander everywhere faster than the moon revolves around the Earth. I work for Aradia, the Fairy Queen, and organize fairy dances for her in the grass. The cowslip flowers are her bodyguards. You’ll see that their petals have spots on them—those are rubies, fairy gifts. Their sweet smells come from those little freckles. Now I have to go find some dewdrops and hang a pearl earring on every cowslip flower. So fuck off, asshole. I’ve got to go. The queen and her elves will be here soon.

VRISKA  
The king’s having a party here tonight. Just make sure the queen doesn’t come anywhere near him, because King Equius is pretty mad. He’s furious because she stole an adorable boy from an Indian king. She’s never kidnapped such a strange human child before, and Equius’s jealous. He wants the child for himself, to accompany him on his wanderings through the wild forests. But the queen refuses to hand the boy over to Equius. Instead, she puts flowers in the boy’s hair and makes a fuss over him. And now Equius and Aradia refuse to speak to each other, or meet each other anywhere—neither in the forest nor on the plain, nor by the river nor under the stars. They always argue, and the little fairies get so frightened that they hide in acorn cups and won’t come out. It's rather fun to watch.

KARKAT  
Unless I’m mistaken, you’re that nasty bitch named Vriska. Aren’t you the one who goes around scaring the maidens in the village, stealing the cream from the top of the milk, screwing up the flour mills, and frustrating housewives by keeping their milk from turning into butter? Aren’t you the one who keeps beer from foaming up as it should, and causes people to get lost at night, while you laugh at them? Some people call you “Hobgoblin” and “Spider bitch,” and you’re nice to them. You do their work for them and give them "aaaaaaaall the luck". That’s you, right?

VRISKA  
Correct. That’s me you’re talking about, the playful wanderer of the night. I tell jokes to Equius and make him smile. I’ll trick a fat, well-fed horse into thinking that I’m a young female horse. Sometimes I hide at the bottom of an old woman’s drink disguised as an apple. When she takes a sip, I bob up against her lips and make her spill the drink all over her withered old neck. Sometimes a wise old woman with a sad story to tell tries to sit down on me, thinking I’m a three-legged stool. But I slip from underneath her and she falls down, crying, “Ow, my ass!” and starts coughing, and then everyone laughs and has fun. But step aside, fairy! Here comes Equius.

KARKAT  
And here’s my mistress, Aradia. I wish Equius would go the fuck away!

EQUIUS, the Fairy King, and his followers enter. On the opposite side of the stage, ARADIA, the Fairy Queen, and her followers enter.

EQUIUS  
How not nice to see you, ARADIA.

ARADIA  
What, are you jealous, EQUIUS?—Fairies, let’s get out of here. I've sworn I'll never talk to him again.

EQUIUS  
Wait just a minute, you... you inferior being. Aren't you supposed to obey me, your lord and husband?

ARADIA  
If you’re my lord and husband, I must be your lady and wife, so you’re supposed to be faithful to me. But I know for a fact that you snuck away from Fairyland disguised as a shepherd, and spent all day playing straw pipes and singing love poems to your new girlfriend. The only reason you left India was to come here and see that bitch Amazon Terezi. She was your boot-wearing mistress and your warrior lover, and now that she’s getting married to Gamzee, you’ve come to celebrate their marriage.

EQUIUS  
How can you stand there shamelessly talking about me and Terezi, when you know that I know about your love for Gamzee? Weren’t you the one who made him desert Perigouna in the middle of the night, right after he’d raped her? And weren’t you the one who made him cheat on all of his other girlfriends, like Aegles, Ariadne, and Antiopa?

ARADIA  
These are nothing but jealous lies. Since the beginning of midsummer, my fairies and I haven’t been able to meet anywhere to do our dances in the wind without being disturbed by you and your arguments. We haven’t been able to meet on a hill or in a valley, in the forest or a meadow, by a pebbly fountain or a rushing stream, or on the beach by the ocean without you disturbing us. And because you interrupt us so that we can’t dance for them, the winds have made fogs rise up out of the sea and fall down on the rivers so that the rivers flood, just to get revenge on you. So all the work that oxen and farmers have done in plowing the fields has been for nothing, because the unripe grain has rotted before it was ripe. Sheep pens are empty in the middle of the flooded fields, and the crows get fat from eating the dead bodies of infected sheep. All the fields where people usually play games are filled with mud, and you can’t even see the elaborate mazes that people create in the grass, because no one walks in them anymore and they’ve all grown over. It’s not winter here for the human mortals, so they’re not protected by the holy hymns and carols that they sing in winter. So the pale, angry moon, who controls the tides, fills the air with diseases. As a consequence of this bad weather and these bad moods the seasons have started to change. Cold frosts spread over the red roses, and the icy winter wears a crown of sweet summer flowers as some sick joke. Spring, summer, fertile autumn and angry winter have all changed places, and now the confused world doesn’t know which is which. And this is all because of our argument. We are responsible for this, and we must end it.

EQUIUS  
Do something about it, then. You have the power to fix it. Why would Aradia want to argue with her Equius? All I’m asking for is to have that little human boy as part of my attendents.

ARADIA  
Get over it. I won’t give up this child for all of Fairyland. His mother was one of my worshippers, and we always used to gossip together at night in India, sitting together by the ocean and watching the merchant ships sailing on the ocean. We used to laugh to see the sails fill up with wind so that they looked like they had big, pregnant bellies, as if the wind had gotten them pregnant. She would imitate them—since she was already pregnant with the little boy—and she would go sailing over the land herself to go get me little presents, and come back carrying gifts like she was a ship coming back from a voyage. But since she was a mortal, she died giving birth to that boy, and for her sake I’m raising him and will not give him up.

EQUIUS  
How long do you plan to stay here in this forest?

ARADIA  
Maybe until after Gamzee’s wedding day. If you behave yourself and join us in our circle dance and moonlight celebrations, then you can come with us. If not, leave me alone, and I’ll stay away from your turf.

EQUIUS  
Give me that boy and I’ll come with you.

ARADIA  
Not for your entire fairy kingdom.—Come, fairies, let’s go. We’re going to have a corpse party if I stay any longer.

ARADIA and her FAIRIES exit.

EQUIUS  
Well, go on your way, then. You won’t leave this grove until I’ve paid you back for this insult. (to VRISKA) My dear servant, come here. You remember the time when I was sitting on a cliff, and I heard a mermaid sitting on a dolphin’s back sing such a sweet and harmonious song that it calmed the stormy sea and made stars shoot out of the sky so they could hear her better?

VRISKA  
Yeah, I remember.

EQUIUS  
That same night, I saw Cupid flying from the moon to the earth, with all of his arrows ready. (You couldn’t see him, but I could.) He took aim at a beautiful young maiden who was sitting on a throne in the western part of the world, and he shot his arrow of love well enough to have pierced a hundred thousand hearts. But I could see that Cupid’s fiery arrow was put out by watery, maiden moonbeams, so the royal maiden continued her maiden thoughts without being interrupted by thoughts of love. But I paid attention to where Cupid’s arrow fell. It fell on a little western flower, which used to be white as milk but now has turned purple from being wounded by the arrow of love. Young girls call it “love-in-idleness.” Bring me that flower. I showed it to you once. If its juice is put on someone’s eyelids while they’re asleep, that person will fall in love with the next living creature he or she sees. Bring me this plant, and get back here before the sea monster has time to swim three miles.

VRISKA  
I could go around the world in eight minutes.

VRISKA exits.

EQUIUS  
When I have the juice of that flower, I’ll trickle some drops of it on Aradia’s eyes while she’s sleeping. She’ll fall madly in love with the first thing she sees when she wakes up—even if it’s a lion, a bear, a wolf, a bull, a monkey, or an ape. And before I make her normal again—I can cure her by treating her with another plant—I’ll make her give me that little boy as my page. But who’s that coming this way? I’ll make myself invisible and listen to their conversation.

ERIDAN enters, followed by NEPETA.

DEMETRIUS  
Look, I don’t love you, so stop following me around. Where are Tavros and beautiful Feferi? Tavros I want to stop, but Feferi stops my heart from beating. You told me they escaped into this forest. And here I am, going crazy in the middle of the woods because I can’t find my Feferi. Yet I still can't find them! So go away, get out of here, and stop following me.

NEPETA  
You attract me to you, you cruel magnet! But you must not attract iron, because my heart is as true as steel. If you let go of your power to attract me, I won’t have any power to follow you.

ERIDAN  
Do I ask you to follow me? Do I speak to you kindly? Don’t I tell you in the clearest terms that I do not and cannot love you?

NEPETA  
Yes, but that makes me love you even more. I’m your little cat, Eridan. The more you beat me, the more I’ll love you. Treat me like you would treat a unbehaved cat—kick me, hit me, neglect me, try to lose me. Just let me follow behind you, even though I’m not good enough for you. Could I ask for a worse place in your heart than to be treated as you would treat a cat? And yet I would consider it an honor to be your cat.

ERIDAN  
Wow. You are the embodiment of sexism. But don’t push it. Just looking at you makes me sick.

NEPETA  
And I get sick when I can’t look at you.

ERIDAN  
You’re risking your reputation by leaving the city and stalking someone who doesn’t love you. Standing around alone in a deserted area in the middle of the night isn’t the best way to protect your innocence.

NEPETA  
I rely on your virtue to protect me. And because I can see your shining face, it doesn’t feel like nighttime to me. This forest doesn’t seem deserted when you’re here, because you are all the world to me. So how can anyone say I’m alone, when the whole world is here to look at me?

ERIDAN  
Don't tempt me. I’ll run away from you and hide in the bushes, and leave you to the mercy of wild animals.

NEPETA  
The wildest animal isn’t as cruel as you are, they are mearly prey. Run whenever you want to. The story of Daphne and Apollo will be changed: the lustful god Apollo runs away from the virginal nymph Daphne who pursues him, the dove chases after the griffin, which is usually its predator, and the gentle deer tries to hunt down the tiger—speed is useless when the cowardly person chases and the brave person runs away.

ERIDAN  
Whatever. I’m not sticking around to listen to you any longer. Leave me alone. Or if you follow me, you’d better understand that I’ll do something bad to you in the forest.

NEPETA  
Yes, you already hurt me in the church, in the town, and in the fields. Shame on you, Eridan! Your behavior is an insult to all women. We cannot fight for love as men can. We should be pursued and courted. We weren’t made to do the pursuing.  
ERIDAN exits.

*sighs*  
I’ll follow thee and make a heaven of hell,  
To die upon the hand I love so well.  
NEPETA exits.

VRISKA enters.

EQUIUS  
Do you have the flower?

VRISKA  
Yup, here it is.

EQUIUS  
Please, give it to me. (he takes the flower from VRISKA) I know a place where wild thyme blooms, and oxlips and violets grow. It’s covered over with luscious honeysuckle, sweet muskroses and sweetbrier. Aradia sleeps there sometimes at night, lulled to sleep among the flowers by dances and other delights. Snakes shed their skin there, and the shed skin is wide enough to wrap a fairy in. I’ll put the juice of this flower on Aradia’s eyes, and fill her with horrible delusions and desires. (he gives VRISKA part of the flower) You take some of it too, and look around in this part of the forest. A sweet Alternian lady is in love with a young man who wants nothing to do with her. Put some of this flower’s juice on his eyes, and make sure to do it in such a way that the next thing he sees will be the lady. You’ll be able to tell it’s him because he’s wearing Alternian clothes. Do it carefully, so that he’ll end up loving her more than she loves him. And then make sure to meet me before the rooster’s first crow at dawn.

VRISKA  
Don’t worry, sir. I got this.

They all exit, separately.


	4. Act 2, Scene 2

ARADIA, enters with her following of FAIRIES.

ARADIA  
Come, dance in a circle and sing a fairy song, and then go off for a while to do your work. Some of you will kill the worms infesting the rosebuds, some of you will fight with bats to get their leathery wings, so we can make coats for my small elves. Some of you will keep that loud owl away, the one that hoots and wonders every night at us dainty fairies. Sing me to sleep now, and then go off to do your duties and let me rest.  
The FAIRIES sing.

FIRST FAIRY  
(singing)  
 Snakes with forked tongues,  
 And porcupines, don’t be seen.  
 Deadly lizards, don’t be mean.  
 Don’t come near our fairy queen.

FAIRIES  
(singing)  
 Nightingale, melodiously  
 Sing our sweet lullaby.  
 Lulla, lulla, lullaby, lulla, lulla, lullaby.  
 Let no harm  
 Or spell or charm  
 Come near our lovely lady.  
 Say good night with a lullaby.

FIRST FAIRY  
(singing)  
 Spiders with your webs, stay away.  
 You long-legged things, begone!  
Black beetles, don’t come near.  
 Worms and snails, don’t be bad.

FAIRIES  
(singing)  
 Nightingale, melodiously  
 Sing our sweet lullaby.  
 Lulla, lulla, lullaby, lulla, lulla, lullaby.  
 Let no harm  
 Or spell or charm  
 Come near our lovely lady.  
 Say good night with a lullaby.

ARADIA falls asleep.

SECOND FAIRY  
Okay, let’s go! Everything’s fine now. One of us will stay and stand guard.

The FAIRIES exit.

EQUIUS enters.

EQUIUS  
(squeezing flower juice on ARADIA ’s eyelids)  
What thou seest when thou dost wake,  
Do it for thy true love take.  
Love and languish for his sake.  
Be it ounce or cat or bear,  
Pard or boar with bristled hair,  
In thy eye that shall appear,  
When thou wakest, it is thy dear.  
Wake when some vile thing is near.

EQUIUS exits.

TAVROS and FEFERI enter.

TAVROS  
Oh! Feferi! Y-you look like you're about to faint from wandering in the woods for so long, and to tell you the truth, I’ve gotten us lost. We’ll take a rest, if you think it’s a good idea, and wait until daylight when things will be easier.

FEFERI  
Let’s do that! Find something to cushion you while you sleep. I’m going to sleep on this little slope.

TAVROS  
We can both sleep together on the grass. We'll have one heart, one bed, two bodies, and one faithful vow.

FEFERI  
No, Tavros. Please, for my sake, sleep a little farther away. Don't sleep so close to me.

TAVROS  
Oh, I'm sorry my dear, I didn’t mean that! When lovers talk to each other, their hearts should understand each other. I just meant that our hearts are joined, so we can almost think of them as one heart. Our two bodies are linked together by the promises we’ve made to each other, so there are two bodies and one faithful vow. I just thought we should cuddle or just keep each other's company. If I lie next to you, I won’t lie to you—I’ll be faithful and respect you.

FEFERI  
*giggles* Tavros’s got a way with words. I would certainly be rude if I had implied that you were a liar. But please, darling, sleep a little farther away so we can behave properly. It’s only proper for a well-behaved bachelor and a well-behaved girl to be physically separated like this. Stay away for now, and good night, my sweet friend. I hope your love for me remains this strong for your entire life!

TAVROS  
True. I hope my life ends before my loyalty to you does. I’ll sleep over here. Sleep well!

FEFERI  
Goodnight!

FEFERI and TAVROS sleep.   
Enter VRISKA

VRISKA  
I've been through the entire forest, but I haven't found any Alternian man to use the flower on. (she sees TAVROS and FEFERI) Wait a second, who’s this? He’s wearing Alternian clothes. This must be the guy who rejected the Alternian girl. And here’s the girl, sleeping soundly on the damp and dirty ground. Pretty girl! She shouldn't lie near this rude and heartless man. (he puts flower juice on TAVROS ’s eyelids) Asshole, I throw all the power of this magic charm on your eyes. When you wake up, let love keep you from going back to sleep. Wake up when I'm gone, because now I have to go to Equius.

VRISKA exits.

ERIDAN and NEPETA enter, running.

NEPETA  
Stop, Eridan! Stop, even if only to kill me.

ERIDAN  
I’m telling you, get out of here, and stop following me!

NEPETA  
Oh, will you leave me alone in the dark? Don’t, please.

ERIDAN  
Stay here at your own risk. I’m going on alone.  
ERIDAN exits.

NEPETA  
Oh, I’m out of breath from this stupid chase. The more I pray, the less I get out of it. Feferi is lucky, wherever she is, because she has beautiful eyes. How did her eyes get so bright? Not from crying. If that’s the case, tears wash my eyes more than hers. No, no, I’m as ugly as a bear, since animals that see me run away in terror. Or that could be the hunting.... So it’s no surprise that Eridan runs away from me as if I were a monster. What evil and deceitful mirror made me think I could rival Feferi’s starry eyes? (she sees TAVROS) But who’s this here? Tavros, on the ground? Is he dead or sleeping? I don’t see any blood or injuries—Tavros, if you’re alive, wake up.

TAVROS  
(waking up) I’d even run through fire if you told me to. Radiant, beautiful Nepeta! I feel like Mother Nature has allowed me to see into your heart, as if by magic. Where is Eridan? Oh, I’d kill that name with my sword if I could!

NEPETA  
.....  
what the fuck?  
Don’t say that, Tavros. Don’t say that. Why do you care that he loves Feferi? What does it matter? Feferi still loves you, so be happy.

TAVROS  
Content with Feferi? No. I do repent  
The tedious minutes I with her have spent.  
Not Feferi but Nepeta I love.  
Who will not change a raven for a dove?  
The will of man is by his reason swayed,  
And reason says you are the worthier maid.  
Things growing are not ripe until their season.  
So I, being young, till now ripe not to reason.  
And touching now the point of trollian skill,  
Reason becomes the marshal to my will  
And leads me to your eyes, where I o'erlook  
Love’s stories written in love’s richest book.

NEPETA  
Stop the old english couplets! Why does everyone always make fun of me? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment from you? Is it not enough, is it not enough, young man, that I’ll never be pretty enough to get a kind look from Eridan? Do you have to harp on my inadequacy? My God, it’s wrong for you to woo me in such a cruel, disdainful way. But goodbye. I have to tell you, I thought you were a much kinder person than this. Oh, how awful that a lady who’s been rejected by one man should therefore be treated horribly by another one!

NEPETA exits.

TAVROS  
She doesn't see Feferi-Feferi, keep sleeping, and don't come near me ever again! Eating too many sweets makes people sick to their stomachs, and people always hate the mistakes they made in the past worse than anyone else hates those mistakes. Feferi, you're the sweet I've had too much of, and the mistake I used to make, so I hate you more than anyone else does.—I'll use all my talents and efforts to serve Nepeta and bring her honor.

TAVROS spits on the ground near FEFERI, and exits.

FEFERI  
(waking up) Help me, Tavros, help me! Get this snake off of me! *sits up* Oh, my God! What a terrible nightmare I just had! Tavros, look how I'm shaking from fear. I thought a snake was eating my heart while you sat smiling and watching. Tavros!—What, is he gone?—Tavros, my lord!—What, is he out of earshot? Gone? No answer, nothing? Oh, God, where are you? Say something if you can hear me. Say something, please! I’m almost fainting with fear. Nothing? Then I guess you’re nowhere nearby. I’ll find you—or die—right away.


	5. Act 3, Scene 1

ARADIA is asleep onstage, DAVE, JAKE, JOHN, ROSE, JADE, and DIRK—enter.

DAVE  
Are we all here?

JAKE  
Right on time. This is the perfect place to rehearse. This clearing will be the stage, and this hawthorn bush will be our dressing room. Let’s put on our play exactly as we’ll perform it for the duke.

DAVE  
Jake—

JAKE  
What is it, ironic Dave?

DAVE  
There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisbe that will never work. First of all, Pyramus has to take out a sword to kill himself, which the ladies in the audience won’t be able to stand. What should we do about that?

JOHN  
By Gog, that’s a real problem, it’s true.

ROSE  
I believe we’ll have to leave out all the killing, come to think of it.

DAVE  
Not at all! I’ve got a plan that will fix everything. Write me a prologue that I can recite to the audience before the play starts. I’ll tell them that we won’t hurt anyone with our swords, and that Pyramus isn’t really dead. And to make it even clearer, we can tell them that I’m playing Pyramus but I’m not really Pyramus—really, I’m Dave the weaver. That’ll keep them from being afraid. 

JAKE  
All right, we’ll have a prologue then. We’ll write it in alternating eight- and six-syllable lines, just like in a ballad.

BOTTOM  
No, add a couple more syllables. Make it eight and eight. 

JOHN  
Won’t the ladies be scared of the lion?

ROSE  
I’m really worried about that.

DAVE  
Sirs, you ought to think to yourself, bringing in—God forbid!—a lion amongst ladies is really terrible. There’s no scarier wild bird than the living lion, and we should remember that.

JOHN  
Therefore, we need another prologue to tell everyone he’s not a real lion.

DAVE  
No, we can just announce the actor’s name, and let his face show through the lion costume, and have him say something himself. He should say the following, or something else to the same defect—“Ladies,” or “Lovely ladies,” “I would like to ask you” or “I would like to request of you” or “I would like to beg you” “not to be afraid, and not to tremble with fear. I value your lives as highly as my own. If you thought I was a real lion, I would be risking my life. But no, I am not at all a lion. I am a man, just like other men.” And then he should say his name, and tell them plainly that he’s John the carpenter.

JAKE  
All right, that’s what we’ll do then. But there are two things we still have to figure out. How are we going to bring moonlight into a room? Because, you know, Pyramus and Thisbe meet by moonlight.

JOHN  
Will the moon be shining on the night we’re performing our play?

DAVE  
We need a calendar! Look in the almanac. Look up moonshine, look up moonshine!

JAKE  
*takes out a book* Yes, the moon will shine that night.

DAVE  
Well then, you can leave one of the windows open in the big hall where we’ll be performing, and the moon can shine in through the window.

JAKE  
Yes, or else someone will have to come in carrying a bundle of sticks and a lantern and say he’s come to disfigure, or represent, the character of Moonshine, because the man in the moon is supposed to carry sticks and a lantern. But there’s still another problem: we need to have a wall in the big hall, because according to the story, Pyramus and Thisbe talked through a little hole in a wall.

JOHN  
You’ll never be able to bring in a wall. What do you think, Dave?

DAVE  
Someone should play the part of Wall. He can have some plaster or clay or limestone or something on him to show the audience he’s a wall. He can hold his fingers in a V-shape like this, and Pyramus and Thisbe can whisper to each other through that little crack.

JAKE  
If we can do that, everything will be all right. Now sit down, everybody, and rehearse your parts—Pyramus, you start. When you have said your lines, go hide in that bush.—Everyone else, go there too when you’re not onstage.

VRISKA enters, unseen by the characters onstage.

VRISKA  
(to himself) Who are these country bumpkins swaggering around so close to where the fairy queen is sleeping? What? Are they about to put on a play? I’ll watch. And I’ll act in it, too, *smirks* if I feel like it.

JAKE  
Speak, Pyramus.—Thisbe, come forward.

DAVE  
(as PYRAMUS) Thisbe, flowers with sweet odious smells—

JAKE  
“Odors,” “odors.”

DAVE  
(as PYRAMUS) —odors and smells are like your breath, my dearest Thisbe dear. But what’s that, a voice! Wait here a while. I’ll be right back!  
DAVE exits.

VRISKA  
(to himself) That’s the strangest Pyramus I’ve ever seen.  
VRISKA exits.

JADE  
Am I supposed to talk now?

JAKE  
Yes, you are. You’re supposed to show that you understand that Pyramus just went to check on a noise he heard and is coming right back.

JADE  
(as THISBE) Most radiant Pyramus, you are as white as a lily, and the color of a red rose on a splendid rosebush, a very lively young man and also a lovely Jew. You are as reliable as a horse that never gets tired. I’ll meet you, Pyramus, at Ninny’s grave.

JAKE  
That’s “Ninus’s grave,” man. And don’t say all of that yet. You’re supposed to say some of it as a reply to Pyramus. You just said all your lines at once, cues and all.—Pyramus, enter. You missed your cue. It’s “never get tired.”

JADE  
Oh! (as THISBE) As reliable as a horse that never gets tired.

VRISKA enters with DAVE, with a donkey’s head instead of a human head.

DAVE  
(as PYRAMUS) If I were handsome, my lovely Thisbe, I would still want only you.

JAKE  
Oh, monstrous! Oh, strange! We are haunted. RUN!

JAKE, JADE, JOHN, DIRK, and ROSE exit.

VRISKA  
I’ll follow you. I’ll run you around in circles, through bogs and bushes and woods and thorns. Sometimes I’ll take the shape of a horse, sometimes I’ll take the shape of a hound or a pig or a headless bear. Sometimes I’ll turn into fire! And I’ll neigh like a horse and bark like a hound and grunt like a pig and roar like a bear and burn like a fire at every turn.  
VRISKA exits.

DAVE  
Why are they running away? This is some joke of theirs to scare me.

JOHN enters.

JOHN  
Oh, Dave, you’ve changed! What have you got on your head?

DAVE  
What do you think I’ve got on my head? You’re acting like an ass, don’t you think?

JOHN shakes his head and exits.

JAKE enters.

JAKE  
God bless you, Dave, God bless you. You’ve been changed. Reborn.

JAKES exits.

DAVE  
I see what they’re up to. They want to make an ass of me, to scare me if they can. But I won’t leave this spot, no matter what they do. I’ll walk up and down and rap, so they’ll know I’m not afraid.  
 *rapping*  
The blackbird with its black feathers  
 And its orange-and-tan beak,  
 The thrush with its clear voice,  
 The wren with its small, piping chirp—

ARADIA  
(waking up) What angel is this who’s waking me up from my bed of flowers?

DAVE  
*still rapping*  
 The finch, the sparrow, and the lark,  
 The plainsong cuckoo gray,  
 Whose note full many a man doth mark  
 And dares not answer “Nay”—  
For indeed, who would set his wit to so foolish a bird?  
Who would give a bird the lie, though he cry “cuckoo” never so?

ARADIA  
Please sing again, sweet human. I love to listen to your voice, and I love to look at your body. I know this is the first time I’ve ever seen you, but you’re so wonderful that I can’t help swearing to you that I love you.

DAVE  
First off, it was more so rapping. Secondly, I don’t think you’ve got much of a reason to love me. But to tell you the truth, reason and love have very little to do with each other these days. It’s too bad some mutual friend of theirs doesn’t introduce them. Ha, ha! No, I’m just kidding.

ARADIA  
You’re as wise as you are beautiful.

DAVE  
No, that’s not true. But if I were smart enough to get out of this forest, I’d be wise enough to satisfy myself.

ARADIA  
Don’t bother wishing you could leave this forest, because you’re going to stay here whether you want to or not. I’m no ordinary fairy. I rule over the summer, and I love you. So come with me. I’ll give you fairies as servants, and they’ll bring you jewels from the depths of the ocean, and sing to you while you sleep on a bed of flowers. And I’ll turn you into a spirit like us, so you won’t die as humans do.—Come here, Latula, Mituna, Kankri, and Meulin!

Four fairies—LATULA, MITUNA, KANKRI, and MEULIN—enter.

LATULA  
Ready!

MITUNA  
Me too.

KANKRI  
As am I

MEULIN  
Same!

ALL  
Where should we go?

ARADIA  
Be *very* kind and polite to this gentleman. Follow him around. Leap and dance for him. Feed him apricots and blackberries, with purple grapes, green figs, and mulberries. Steal honey from the bumblebees, and make candles out of the bees' wax. Light them with the light of glowworms, so my love will have light when he goes to bed and wakes up. Pluck off colorful butterfly wings, and use them to fan moonbeams away from his eyes as he sleeps. Bow to him, fairies, and curtsy to him.

LATULA  
Sup, dude!

MITUNA  
Hi there!

KANKRI  
Salutations.

MEULIN  
Hello!

DAVE  
I beg your pardon, fairies.—Please tell me your names?

LATULA  
I'm Latula!

DAVE  
I’d like to get to know you better, Miss Latula.—And your name, sir?

MITUNA  
Mituna.

DAVE  
You seem like a nice guy.—And you, may I ask what your name is, sir?

KANKRI  
I am called Kankri.

DAVE  
Good Mr. Kankri, I feel like I already know you very well. I look forward to getting to know you better, Mr. Kankri.- And who are you?

MEULIN  
My name's Meulin.

DAVE  
Nice to meet you.

ARADIA  
Take good care of him. Take him to my sleeping area. The moon looks sad to me. When she cries, all the little flowers cry too. Keep my lover quiet. Bring him to me in silence.  
All exit.


	6. Act 3, Scene 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please not that they insult Feferi in the middle of the chapter by calling her a gypsy. It was Shakespeare's words, not mine.

Enter EQUIUS

EQUIUS  
I wonder if Aradia is awake yet, and if she is, I wonder what the first thing she saw was. Whatever it is, she must be completely in love with it now.  
Enter VRISKA  
Ah, here comes my messenger.—What’s going on, spirit? What havoc have you wreaked in this part of the forest?

VRISKA  
My mistress Aradia is in love with a monster. While she was sleeping in her bed of flowers, a group of bumbling idiots, rough workmen from Alternens, got together nearby to rehearse some play they plan to perform on Gamzee’s wedding day. The stupidest one, who played Pyramus in their play, finished his scene and went to sit in the bushes to wait for his next cue. I took that opportunity to stick a donkey’s head on him. When it was time for him to go back onstage and talk to his Thisbe, he came out of the bushes and everyone saw him. His friends ran away as fast as quackbeasts scatter when they hear a hunter’s gunshot. One of them was so frightened when he heard my footsteps that he yelled, “Murder!” and called for help from Alternens. They were all so afraid that they completely lost their common sense. They started to become scared of inanimate objects, terrified by the thorns and briars that catch at their clothing and pull off their sleeves and hats. I led them on in this frightened, distracted state, and left sweet Pyramus there, transformed into someone with a donkey’s head. At that exact moment, Aradia woke up and immediately fell in love with him, an ass. It was quite brilliant and HILARIOUS, if I do say so myself.

EQUIUS  
This is going even better than I planned. But have you put the love juice from the flower on the eyes of that Alternian, as I asked you to do?

VRISKA  
Yes, I found him when he was asleep—so that’s taken care of too—and the Alternian woman was sleeping near him. When he woke up, he must have seen her.

Enter ERIDAN and FEFERI

EQUIUS  
(speaking so that only VRISKA can hear) Step aside. Here’s the Alternian coming now.

VRISKA  
(speaking so that only EQUIUS can hear) That’s definitely the woman I saw, but it’s not the same man.

ERIDAN  
Why are you so rude to someone who loves you so much? Save that kind of harsh language for your worst enemy.

FEFERI  
I’m only scolding you now, but I should treat you much worse, because I’m afraid you’ve given me good reason to curse you. If you killed Tavros while he was sleeping, then you’re already up to your ankles in blood. You might as well jump right into a bloodbath and kill me, too. He was more faithful to me than the sun is to the daytime. Would he have snuck away from me while I was asleep? I’ll believe that when I believe that there’s a hole through the center of the earth, and the moon has passed all the way through to the other side. The only possibility is that you’ve murdered him. A murderer should look like you do, so pale and grim.

ERIDAN  
That’s how someone who’s been murdered should look, and that’s how I look. You’ve pierced me through the heart with your cruelty, and yet you, the murderer, look as bright and clear as a star in the sky.

FEFERI  
What does that have to do with my Tavros? Where is he? Oh, Eridan, will you find him for me?

ERIDAN  
I would rather feed his corpse to my dogs.

FEFERI  
Oh, get out, dog! You’ve driven me to my wit’s end. Did you kill him, then? From now on I won’t even consider you a human being. Oh, just tell the truth for once. Tell the truth, if only for my sake.—Would you have even dared to look at him when he was awake? And did you kill him while he was sleeping? Oh, how brave of you! A snake could do that as easily as you could. A snake did do it, because no snake ever had a more forked, lying tongue than you have.

ERIDAN  
You’re getting all worked up over a misunderstanding. I didn’t kill Tavros. As far as I know, he’s not even dead.

FEFERI  
Then please tell me he’s all right.

ERIDAN  
If I told you that, what would I get out of it?

FEFERI  
The privilege of never seeing me again. And now I’m going to leave your despised company. You’ll never see me again, whether or not he’s dead.  
FEFERI exits

ERIDAN  
I can’t go after her when she’s in a rage like this. So I’ll stay here for a while. Sadness gets worse when you haven’t had enough sleep. I’ll try to sleep a little here. (ERIDAN lies down and falls asleep)

EQUIUS  
(to VRISKA) What have you done? You’ve made a mistake and put the love-juice on someone else, someone who was truly in love. Because of your mistake someone’s true love must have turned bad, instead of this man’s false being turned into a true love.

VRISKA  
In that case, it must be fate. That’s the way of the world. For every man who’s faithful to his true love, a million end up running after a different lover.

EQUIUS  
Go around the forest, moving faster than the wind, and make sure you find Nepeta of Alternens.—She’s lovesick, and her face is pale from all the sighing she’s been doing, because sighing is bad for the blood. Bring her here with some trick or illusion, and I’ll put the charm on his eyes for when she comes.

VRISKA  
I go, I go, look at me go- faster than an arrow from Tartar’s bow.  
VRISKA exits

EQUIUS  
(putting flower juice on ERIDAN’s eyelids)  
You purple flower, hit by Cupid’s arrow, sink into the pupils of this man’s eyes. When he sees the girl he should love, make her seem as bright to him as the evening star. Young man, when you wake up, if she’s nearby, beg her to cure your lovesickness.  
VRISKA enters

VRISKA  
Nepeta is nearby, boss. The young man who I mistook for this one is there too, begging her to love him. Should we watch this ridiculous scene? Lord, what fools these mortals are!

EQUIUS  
Step aside. The noise they’re making will wake up Eridan.

VRISKA  
Then the two of them will both pursue one girl. That will be funny enough, and preposterous situations are my FAAAAAAAAVORITE thing.  
TAVROS and NEPETA enter

TAVROS  
Why do you think I’m making fun of you when I tell you I love you? People don’t cry when they’re mocking someone. Look, when I swear that I love you, I cry, and when someone cries while he’s making a promise, he’s usually telling the truth. How can it seem like I’m making fun of you, when my tears prove that I’m sincere?

NEPETA  
You get trickier and trickier. You’ve made the same promises to me and to Feferi—they can’t both be true! They must both be false. The promises you’re making to me belong to Feferi. Why would you abandon her? If you weighed the promises you made to me against the promises you made to her, they’d come out the same—they both weigh nothing. They’re lies.

TAVROS  
I wasn’t thinking clearly when I made those promises to her.

NEPETA  
And I don’t believe you’re thinking clearly now, as you break those promises.

TAVROS  
Eridan loves her, and he doesn’t love you.

ERIDAN  
(waking up) Oh Nepeta, you goddess, you divine and perfect nymph! What can I compare your eyes to? Crystal isn’t as clear as they are. Oh, your lips are as ripe as a pair of tempting cherries touching each other! The pure white of the snow on a mountaintop seems black as a crow’s wing next to the whiteness of your hands. Oh, let me kiss your beautiful white hand. It’ll make me so happy!

NEPETA  
Damn it! I see you’re all determined to gang up on me for a few laughs. If you had any manners at all, you wouldn’t treat me like this. Can’t you just hate me, as I know you do? Do you have to get together to humiliate me too? If you were real men, as you pretend to be, you wouldn’t treat a lady this way, making vows and promises and praising my beauty when I know you’re really both disgusted by me. You’re competing for Feferi’s love, and now you’re competing to see which one of you can make fun of me the most. That’s a great idea, a really manly thing to do—making a poor girl cry! No respectable person would offend an innocent girl just to have some fun.

TAVROS  
Don’t be cruel, Eridan. I know you love Feferi, and you know I know it. Right here, right now, I swear I’m giving up all my claims on her and handing her to you. In exchange, give up your claim to love Nepeta, since I love her and will love her until I die.

NEPETA  
(sighs) Nobody’s ever gone to so much trouble just to make fun of someone.

ERIDAN  
Tavros, keep your Feferi. I don’t want her. If I ever loved her, all that love is gone now. My love for her was temporary. Now I’ll love Nepeta forever.

TAVROS  
Nepeta, it’s not true.  
FEFERI enters

FEFERI  
It’s hard to see clearly in the dark of night, but it’s easy to hear well! I couldn’t see you, Tavros, but I heard your voice, and that’s how I found you. Why did you leave me alone so unkindly?

TAVROS  
Why stay when love tells you to go?

FEFERI  
But what love could make you leave me?

TAVROS  
I had to hurry to my love, beautiful Nepeta, who lights up the night better than all those fiery stars. Why are you looking for me? Didn’t you figure out that I left you because I hate you?

FEFERI  
Y-you can’t mean what you’re saying. It’s impossible.

NEPETA  
So, she’s in on this too! Now I see that all three of them have gotten together to play this cruel trick on me. Hurtful Feferi, you ungrateful girl, have you conspired with these two to provoke me with this horrible teasing? Have you forgotten all the jams we’ve had together, the vows we made to be like sisters to one another, all the hours we spent together, wishing that we never had to say goodbye—have you forgotten? Our friendship in our schooldays, our childhood innocence? We used to sit together and sew one flower with our two needles, sewing it on one piece of cloth, sitting on the same cushion, singing one song in the same key, as if our hands, our sides, our voices and our minds were stuck together. We grew together like twin cherries—which seemed to be separate but were also together—two lovely cherries on one stem. We seemed to have two separate bodies, but we had one heart. Do you want to destroy our old friendship by joining these men to insult your poor friend? It’s not friendly, and it’s not ladylike. All women would be angry with you for doing it, even though I’m the only one who’s hurt by it.

FEFERI  
I’m completely dumbfounded by what you’re saying. I’m not insulting you. It sounds more like you’re insulting me!

NEPETA  
Come on, confess. Didn’t you send Tavros, as an insult, to follow me around praising my eyes and my face? Haven’t you made your other love, Eridan—who kicked me with his foot not long ago—call me a goddess and a divine, rare, precious, heavenly creature? Why else would he talk like that to a girl he can’t stand? And why does Tavros deny that he loves you, when he loves you so deeply? Why would he show me any affection, unless you told him to? Why does it matter that I’m not as lucky or lovable as you are and that the love I feel is unrequited? You should pity me for that reason, not hate me.

FEFERI  
I don’t know what you’re talking about!

NEPETA  
Oh, fine. All right, go ahead, keep up your little game, pretend to be sympathetic, but then nudge each other and wink and make faces at me when I turn my back. Keep up your wonderful game. You’re doing such a good job on this trick, someone should write a book about it! If you had any sense of pity, or manners, you wouldn’t pretend to fight over me like this. But goodbye. It’s partly my own fault, since I followed you here. Leaving—or dying—will soon take care of everything.

TAVROS  
Stay, lovely Nepeta. Listen to my excuse. My love, my life, my soul, beautiful Nepeta!

NEPETA  
That’s a good one.

FEFERI  
(to TAVROS) Don’t insult her like that, Tavros darling.

ERIDAN  
(to TAVROS) If Feferi’s begging can’t make you stop insulting Nepeta, I can force you to do so.

TAVROS  
You can’t force me any more than Feferi can beg me. Your threats are no stronger than her whining.—Nepeta, I love you. I swear I do. I’ll give my life for you, just to prove this guy wrong when he says I don’t love you.

ERIDAN  
I say that I love you more than he does.

TAVROS  
If that’s what you say, go fight a duel with me and prove it.

ERIDAN  
You’re on. Let’s do it.

FEFERI  
Tavros, where are you going with all this?  
(She holds TAVROS back)

TAVROS  
(to FEFERI) Get away, you Gypsy!

ERIDAN  
(to FEFERI) No, no. He’ll act like he’s going to break free from you, Feferi. (to TAVROS) Pretend like you’re going to follow me, but then don’t come. You’re a coward, get out of here!

TAVROS  
(to FEFERI) Stop hanging on me, you eel, you thorn. Let go of me, or I’ll shake you off like a snake.

FEFERI  
Why have you gotten so rude? What’s happened to you, my darling?

TAVROS  
Your darling? Get out, you dark-skinned gypsy! Get out, you horrible poison. Get out!

FEFERI  
Are you joking?

NEPETA  
Of course he is, and so are you.

TAVROS  
Eridan, I’m ready to fight you as promised.

ERIDAN  
I wish we had a signed contract. I can see you don’t keep your promises very well. I don’t trust you.

TAVROS  
What? Do you want me to hit Feferi, hurt her, kill her? Sure, I hate her, but I would never hurt her.

FEFERI  
(to TAVROS) Can you hurt me any more than by saying you hate me? Hate me? Why? What’s happened to you, my love? Am I not Feferi? Aren’t you Tavros? I’m as beautiful now as I was a little while ago. You still loved me when we fell asleep, but when you woke up you left me. So you left me—Oh, God help me!—For real?

TAVROS  
I certainly did, and I never wanted to see you again. So stop hoping and wondering what I mean. I’ve spelled it out for you clearly. It’s no joke. I hate you and love Nepeta.

FEFERI  
Oh, no! (to NEPETA) You trickster, you snake! You thief! What, did you sneak in at night and steal my love’s heart from him?

NEPETA  
Oh, that’s very nice! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You’re going to make me mad enough to answer you? Damn you, you faker, you puppet!

FEFERI  
“Puppet”? Why “puppet”?—Oh, I see where this is going. She’s talking about our difference in height. She’s paraded in front of him to show off how tall she is. She won him over with her height.—Does he have such a high opinion of you because I’m so short? Is that it? So how short am I, you- you stripper pole? Tell me. How short am I? I’m not too short to gouge your eyes out with my fingernails.

NEPETA  
(to TAVROS and ERIDAN) Please don’t let her hurt me, gentlemen, however much you want to tease me. I never was much good with insults. I’m not mean and catty like her. I’m a nice shy girl. Please don’t let her hit me. Maybe you think that because she’s shorter than me I can take her.

FEFERI  
“Shorter!” See, she’s doing it again!

NEPETA  
Good Feferi, please don’t act so bitter toward me. I always loved you, Feferi, and gave you advice. I never did anything to hurt you—except once, when I told Eridan that you planned to sneak off into this forest. And I only did that because I loved Eridan so much. He followed you. And I followed him because I loved him. But he told me to get lost and threatened to hit me, kick me—even kill me. Now just let me go quietly back to Alternens. I’ll carry my mistakes back with me. I won’t follow you anymore. Please let me go. You see how naïve and foolish I’ve been.

FEFERI  
Well, get out of here then! What’s keeping you?

NEPETA  
My stupid heart, which I’m leaving behind here.

FEFERI  
What, you’re leaving it with Tavros?

NEPETA  
No, with Eridan

TAVROS  
Don’t be afraid, she can’t hurt you, Nepeta.

ERIDAN  
(to TAVROS) That’s right, Feferi won’t hurt Nepeta even if you try to help her.

NEPETA  
Oh, when you get her angry, she’s a good fighter, and vicious too. She was a hellhound in school. And she’s fierce, even though she’s little.

FEFERI  
“Little” again? Nothing but “little” and “short”!- Why are you letting her insult me like this? Let me at her!

TAVROS  
(to FEFERI) Get lost, you dwarf, you tiny little weed, you scrap, you acorn!

ERIDAN  
You’re doing too much to defend a woman who wants nothing to do with you. Leave Feferi alone. Don’t talk about Nepeta. Don’t take Nepeta’s side. If you continue treating Feferi so badly, you’ll pay for it.

TAVROS  
Feferi’s not holding onto me anymore. Follow me if you’re brave enough, and we’ll fight over Nepeta.

ERIDAN  
“Follow”? No, I’ll walk right next to you, side by side.  
ERIDAN and TAVROS exit

FEFERI  
All this fighting is because of you. Stay where you are.

NEPETA  
I’m not sticking around here any more. I don’t trust you. You might be a better fighter than I am, but my legs are longer and I can run away faster.  
NEPETA exits

FEFERI  
I- I just can’t believe any of this. I don’t know what to say.  
FEFERI exits

EQUIUS  
(to VRISKA) This is all your fault. You make mistakes constantly, or else you cause this kind of trouble on purpose!

VRISKA  
Believe me, King of Illusions, I made a mistake. Didn’t you tell me that I’d be able to recognize the man by the Alternian clothes he was wearing? So far I’ve done exactly what I was supposed to do—I put the love potion on an Alternian’s eyes. And so far I’m pleased with the way things have turned out, since I find all of this commotion *very* entertaining.

EQUIUS  
As you can see, these lovers are looking for a place to fight. Hurry up, Vriska, and make the night dark and cloudy. Cover the sky with a low-hanging fog, as dark as hell, and get these overeager rivals so completely lost in the woods that they can’t run into each other. Imitate Tavros’s voice and egg Eridan on with insults. Then rant for a while in Eridan’s voice, and egg Tavros on. That way you’ll get them away from each other until they’re so exhausted that they’ll sleep like the dead. ( EQUIUS gives a new flower to VRISKA) When they’re asleep, crush some of this flower’s juice into Tavros’s eyes. The flower’s juice has the power to erase all the damage that’s been done to his eyes, and to make him see normally, the way he used to. When they wake up, all this trouble and conflict will seem like a dream or a meaningless vision. Then the lovers will go back to Alternens, united together until death. While you’re busy with that, I’ll go see Queen Aradia and ask her once again for the Indian boy. And then I’ll undo the spell that I cast over her, so she won’t be in love with that monster anymore. Then everything will be peaceful again.

VRISKA  
We’ve got to act fast, my lord of the fairies. Night’s fading quickly, and in the distance the morning star is shining, warning us that dawn is coming. At dawn, the ghosts that have been wandering around all night go home to the graveyards. The souls of people who weren’t buried in holy ground, but instead lie rotting by the side of the road or at the bottom of a river, have already gone back to their wormy graves. They weren’t buried in a real graveyard because they committed suicide, and they don’t want their shame to be seen in daylight, so they avoid sunlight and stay forever in the darkness of night.

EQUIUS  
But we’re not like that. We’re a different kind of spirit, and we don’t have to run away from the sunlight. I like the morning. I often wander around in the woods like a forest ranger until the sun rises in the fiery red sky over the ocean, turning the salty green water to gold. But you should hurry anyway. Don’t delay. We still have time to get all of this done before daybreak.  
EQUIUS exits

VRISKA  
Up and down, up and down,  
I will lead them up and down.  
The people fear me in the country and the town.  
Goblin, lead them up and down.  
Here comes one of them now!  
TAVROS enters

TAVROS  
Where are you, Eridan, you arrogant bastard? Say something.

VRISKA  
(in ERIDAN’s voice) I’m over here, you villain, with my sword out and ready to fight. Where are you?

TAVROS  
I’m coming.

VRISKA  
(in ERIDAN’s voice) Let’s go to a flatter area where we can fight more easily.  
TAVROS exits  
ERIDAN enters

ERIDAN  
Tavros, say something! You coward, did you run away from me? Say something! Are you behind some bush? Where are you hiding?

VRISKA  
(in TAVROS’s voice) You coward, are you bragging to the stars and telling the bushes that you want a fight, but then you won’t come and fight me? Come here, you coward! Come here, you child! I’ll beat you with a stick. It would be shameful to fight you with a sword, the way I would fight with a real man.

ERIDAN  
Are you there?

VRISKA  
(in TAVROS’s voice) Follow my voice. This isn’t a good place to fight.  
They exit.  
TAVROS enters.

TAVROS  
He’s walking ahead of me, and he keeps daring me to follow him. When I reach the place he’s calling from, he disappears. This villain is much quicker than I am. I ran after him fast, but he ran away from me faster, so that now here I am in some dark part of the forest where the ground is uneven. I’ll rest here. (he lies down) I hope the pleasant daytime comes soon! As soon as the gray light of early morning appears, I’ll find Eridan and get my revenge for this insult.  
TAVROS lies down and falls asleep. VRISKA and ERIDAN enter.

VRISKA  
(in TAVROS’s voice) Ha, ha, ha! Hey, You coward, why aren’t you coming?

ERIDAN  
Wait for me, if you’re not too scared! I know that’s why you’re running away from me, constantly changing places—you’re afraid to stand still and wait for me. You’re scared to look me in the eye. Where are you now?

VRISKA  
(in TAVROS’s voice) Come here. I’m over here.

ERIDAN  
No, you’re just taunting me. You’ll pay for this if I ever see you face-to-face in the daylight. Go wherever you want. I’m exhausted; I need to lie down and sleep on this cold ground. But watch out. I’ll find you at dawn.(ERIDAN lies down and sleeps)  
NEPETA enters

NEPETA  
Oh, what a long, tedious, exhausting night! I wish it would end. I wish the comforting light of day would shine so I can go back to Alternens and get away from these people who hate me so much. I hope I’ll be able to sleep and escape my troubles for a while. People can sometimes forget their difficulties when they’re asleep. (NEPETA lies down and sleeps)

VRISKA  
Only three so far? We’re still waiting for one more. Two of both kinds makes four. Ah, here she comes, angry and sad. If this wasn’t so funny, I might even feel sorry for her.  
FEFERI enters

FEFERI  
I’ve never been more exhausted or upset. I’m all wet from the dew and scratched up by thorns, and I can’t crawl any farther. I just can’t go on. My legs can’t hold themselves up. I’ll sleep here until morning. If they do fight, I hope Tavros is safe! (FEFERI lies down and sleeps)

VRISKA  
Sleep well there on the ground. I’ll cure you, gentle lover, by putting this medicine on your eyes. (VRISKA puts the nectar of the flower on TAVROS’s eyelids)When you wake you will be truly delighted to see the woman you once loved. And when you wake up, you’ll be a walking illustration of the well-known country proverb. “Jack will have Jill and everything will be all right.”  
VRISKA exits

**Author's Note:**

> Well, to clear it up I'm using a mix of troll and human culture in this so it's not really continuity unless I say "heart" and "bloodpusher" in the same monologue. (they are still trolls though except they are born in a human way because sollux is feferi's dad) The most important case of this mix is weddings, flushed, and love. So here they have weddings from human culture, and use "flushed" as a synonym for "love". This made much more sense in my head.


End file.
